


To forget or to remember

by kriptiana



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Death, Love, M/M, Missing, Pain, Supernatural - Freeform, relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-18
Updated: 2015-05-18
Packaged: 2018-03-31 03:54:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3963430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kriptiana/pseuds/kriptiana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean has always been strong. Whatever was the time or reason. See what happens, when Dean loses the only person, that truly makes him break. Broken, alone and with no hope in his life. How will he survive?</p>
            </blockquote>





	To forget or to remember

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pancakestiel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pancakestiel/gifts).



Sometimes it’s easier to lose yourself in booze than face the reality itself. It wasn’t like this was the first time he had lost somebody. He had lost his brother so many times, that he couldn’t keep up with the count anymore. He had lost his parents, friends and life. It would be surprising to say that he couldn’t remember how to live a normal life anymore. Once thing was clear though – he had stopped hunting. Well, not entirely as sometimes he had the urge just to stab somebody out of habit. Or maybe it was anger at himself that drove him to these kind of actions that contradicted with his own being.  
Sam had tried to get him out of it. The same for Charlie and everyone else, but Dean couldn’t let them bring him out of the dark place, where his soul now rested. He knew it was wrong. It was wrong to hide behind closed doors and drink himself to death, but if he was outside, everything reminded of him. The angel that had cast his presence into Winchester brother lives. Into his life. Now he was dead. Stabbed with an angel sword, that had been stolen and then used to kill his only friend. Yes, he was a friend. He, Dean Winchester, had befriended an angel. For a normal human being it would strange and like an insane story, but to him it was a memory. A distant memory of times that they had spent together and words that they had exchanged. The silent looks and strange places where they had met by accident or not.  
Six month and nine days. That's how long he had stayed in darkness, because he couldn’t deal with what had happened that day. The truth that had hit almost a deadly blow to his already broken heart. Now, this broken man was laying on the floor of his apartment. Hands on sides, blankly staring into the wall. Whenever he looked around, he remembered what he was trying to forget.  
His hand moved on it’s own. Looking for something that even wasn’t there. A bottle of alcohol. Dean remembered that he still had to go to the shop and buy a new box of beer. Did he want to go? Not really. Mostly because everyone was looking at him like he had come back from hell. It was kinda true. He had been there. Didn’t like it so left it. Unfortunately he could not follow Castiel. He had died and pained him in so many different ways.  
On Dean’s face appeared a pained expression. Oh how he would love to forget it, but did he really want it? Was it his human side that didn’t want to feel the pain of loosing someone? Or was it that other selfish part of him, that wanted to keep the memories of Cas for himself. He did not know and he couldn’t afford to dwell in these thoughts.  
Finally he got up in a sitting position. Blankly staring at the bed that was near inches away. It was strange that he was laying on the ground, but to be honest, it was better than the bed itself. It was his way of refusing to face the reality. It was stupid, really. But who could blame he? There wasn’t anyone to watch him being silly. Even sentimental. Yes, that word existed for the great Dean Winchester. Unfortunately it wasn’t something he wanted to use, but did he have a choice? In the past – yes. Now – not much.  
Slowly he rose up. Maybe he should eat something. But he didn’t feel like eating. He didn’t feel like anything. Just a shell of what was left of him. Shell of pain and anger. Anger that he couldn’t express. Except maybe trying to kill somebody, but his mind couldn’t dwell on the things that were in the present. His job. No, his and Sam’s job was not something he could. It reminded him of the pain. Reminded of how he lost Castiel. Before that Bobby, Benny, Lisa and Ben, even Jo and Ellen. They were all family, that he had lost. Even his own brother. Lost and found so many times that he could not keep track of it anymore. He was tired. Tired of feeling and trying to do something, that was obviously useless. Was it right kill Benny? How he almost got Lisa and Ben killed? Or letting Jo and Ellen die, just so Dean and Sam could save themselves, but at the same time loosing Sam? Everyone getting angry at them. Angels, demons. It was like a never ending circle of pain, that he wanted to break or at least not take part in anymore. Was it so much to ask? Maybe it was?  
His eyes slowly looked at the dark curtains that were covering the window. Dean slowly went to the window. His movements were slow, as if he was in pain. Slowly he took a little peek of the outside world. The bright sun was doing the opposite of what he wanted. Why wasn’t it raining or something?  
He caught a glimpse of a person going inside his house. He would recognize the hair anywhere. Damn it all! He was the last person he wanted to see now. Feeling annoyed, Dean went to the door and closed it down. He wasn’t here. He just needed to be quiet and Sam would go away. It was wrong of him, but he could not deal with his shit at the moment.  
Quietly he went to the bathroom and closed him inside. At that moment he heard knocking from outside. He leaned against the door and sighted. Man’s eyes traveled to the mirror that was in front of the door. Well, now he knew why everyone was looking at him like he was dead. His hair seemed unhealthy. Eyes were with dark circles and seemed dead. He had a small beard and tired look. Yeah, he definitely wasn’t in the best presenting look. What would Cas say if he saw him like this? Definitely he would not be happy. Especially because he always seemed to be a clean freak, which was kinda strange for an angel or maybe it was just the way how they were? Maybe, but it wasn’t something he wanted to dwell on. Not anymore. It was over and done.  
\- Dean, I know you are there! Please, let me in. – A muffled sound came from the other side of the outside door. He barely heard his brother. Slowly he slid down to the ground and his hands went to cover his ears. He was a broken man, indeed.  
\- Leave me alone.... – Dean whispered. No, it wasn’t even a whisper. He was begging to be left alone. Dean was like a broken vase, that couldn’t be fixed if somebody didn’t try to. And even if somebody tried to, it would just fall part at the smallest change in the surrounding. It was the same with him. A broken vase, that would never be the same.  
After few minutes, there was silence again. His hands fell to the ground. He hadn’t even noticed, when he had started to breath hard. Was this how it felt to be broken? One man dies and there was no Dean. The strong Dean, that could do anything. He was gone to the world.  
He didn’t know how long he had sat there, when finally he got up. He needed booze. His only wish was that he would not see anyone on the way. Few brush strokes on his hair, new clothes and he was ready to go.  
Slowly walking to the door, he looked thought the eye hole. Nobody was there. He had already checked the window. He was gone. _I’m sorry, Sam. ___He just couldn’t deal with it. Trying to decide if he really wanted to go outside, he slowly opened the locks and then the door itself. There was silence. He took a step and then froze. On the ground there sat a box with his name on it. Did Sam brought it for him? Kneeling in front of it, he touched the box. There was a letter on it. It was Sam’s hand writing. He took the letter and slowly opened it.  


  
_Dear Dean!_  
_I have tried to get in touch with you for a while. I guess you are not ready to go back to how it used to be. That is why I finally decided to put everything in one box and give you it. It’s everything that I had found and gotten from him. The lady that was responsible about the apartment that he lived in, was cleaned out. She had tried to get in touch with you, but as she couldn’t get in touch with you, finally she gave this to me._  
_I know how much...  
___

Seeing those words, he stopped reading. He knew what he had wrote and had no intention in reading it. Forgetting completely about what he wanted to do before, Dean took the box and went inside his apartment. He went to the kitchen and put the box on the kitchen table. Then he sat on a chair, put his hands in a thinking pose and just stared at the box. Did he dare to open it? What was inside it?  
He didn’t know how long he had sat there like that, until his hands finally moved and touched the box, then he realized he needed a knife or a something sharp to open it. His hands trembled, but he didn’t know why. His heart was pounding. Quickly he got up and went to get the knife. Then he came back and stared at the box with a knife in his hands. Hands still trembling, he slowly put the sharp end of the knife against the side of box. _Cas...  
 ___  
A sound of cutting appeared in the quiet apartment. Finally the upper part of the box fell on the ground, but he didn’t mind it. He blinked once, twice. His brain couldn’t understand what he was seeing. It was one of his trench coats, that he had never understood about him. Why did the lady want her to have it? Did he dare to touch it?  
Gulping down a small bit of saliva, Dean slowly put the knife of the table, while the other hand touched the trench coat. Goosebumps showed up on his skin. His breathing became uneven. Something broke inside of him. Something wet fell on his hands, while he took out the trench coat. One hand touched his cheek and realized that he was crying. Why? He didn’t feel anything. Dean felt numb. 


End file.
